I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
