There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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