Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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