normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
