Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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