My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
