Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
