A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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