I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Randomize
