Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
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Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
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You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.