I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
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You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
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Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.