need another drink. this is the easiest way
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.