If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like a drive thru vagina
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect