How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
