Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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