remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
