I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
