either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i love accidental penises.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
