Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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