Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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