Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
