Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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