Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
