Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
