i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!