Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.