Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
