we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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