dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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