I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
