There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
