Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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