I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
