Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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