Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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