You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
