Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
