who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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