so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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