I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
