Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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