No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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