is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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