My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
