I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
