I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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