And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
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She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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