There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I have fence marks all over my body
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The Olympian is in my bed
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
