Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
