She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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