woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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