garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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