I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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