eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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