She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
