My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
