What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
