There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
